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I've been flat out in bed all day with some unidentified illness, but I still managed to down some painkillers and go to a party. I didn't drink because I hadn't eaten for 24 hours, but I kept a cup in my hand to keep people from asking question. Kinda bad that I had to do that, but in Norway you can't really go to a party or bar and not drink except if you're pregnant, on antibiotics or driving. I think very few noticed that I was sober. It was a really nice night anyway.

I just need to rant a bit about O. I think it's been about a year since I wrote a long post about him and me and out entire relationship up to then, and I guess things have changed a little since then. He and his girlfriend broke up in August, so at least I didn't have to feel as guilty as I used to for liking him. Well, kile, apart from being a little jealous when he hooked up with random girls (thinking that if he'll do anyone, why not me?), it's all been a little off the past year. More like, admiring him, liking him as a friend, stuff like that. But I don't think he has any idea how easily he can make me like him again. Last saturday he kissed me, but I didn't think too much about it. Then, on Sunday, he texted me and asked me what I was doing the following week, because he was planning to come over to my place. Which he hasn't yet because of exams and stuff, but well. On Tuesday we met at the park with the others and he was very cuddly and.. staring.

The day after I was just generally confused and sad about the fact that I'll never have him and also mad at him for... all the teasing. But I took a long walk and had a conversation with myself where I ended up thinking that it's not his fault and that he probably has no idea what he's doing to me.

Tonight was extremely nice, though. He and I went out to smoke and he was standing so incredibly close and we discussed literature while staring into each others eyes an he said "what should I have done without you?". Later he was sitting with his arm around me, nuzzling my neck and quoting me Lolita: "Sara, the light of my life, the fire of my loins" and ahhh. I loved it.

The reasons, of course, that I can never have him is 1.) I'm friends with his ex, and I'd be totally shut out from my entire group of friends if I did anything with him, 2.) I probably wouldn't function very well in a relationship with a guy, 3.) He is way, way too cool for me. He probably thinks so himself, too. Because he's fairly well into the inner circle of cool hipsters in Oslo, he's got his own column in the coolest hipster newspaper in town, and he'll usually ditch us to hang out with the hipster princes and princesses. I'll never be someone he could date, because there's always someone cooler out there. He has become quite elitist lately. But I mean, I'm also really proud of him and glad that he's doing what he loves, writing. Of course, that is part of why I admire him so much.

I don't know. I've decided to redefine it all from teasing to small signs of affection that shows that he cares about me and thinks I'm cool. And that is all I can ask for.

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March 2012


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